I was off from work this week and had a bit of time to work on a story, except I found myself freewriting for a moment because I was lost in thoughts that have nothing to do with the Gilded Age, the Hudson Valley, fictional characters, or romance.
Mother’s Day is this weekend, and I got lost in the thoughts of my own motherhood journey. I recently entered a new phase of my life and I am still trying to process it: My youngest joined the Army and started Basic Training out in Oklahoma a couple of weeks ago. My house is now empty and insanely quiet all day, every day.
How many times did I lament over the chaos of raising two rambunctious outspoken boys over the years? How many times did I pray for peace and quiet to surround me?
Well, those prayers have now been answered, and it feels… odd.
There’s no herd of elephants running up and down the stairs at all hours, no slamming doors, no one yelling at a video game or revving an engine in the driveway.
There’s no more picking up dirty clothes in random places, no more moving a million sneakers and shoes out of the hallway before vacuuming, or needing to wipe up crumbs on the counter fifty times a day. There’s no need to run the dishwasher every day, no more messes in the bathroom sink and no more grass and mud tracked into the house.
The wise old sages will tell you to cherish your children as they grow because one day… one day they will fly the nest. Those wise old sages are right. One day they will leave to go on to their futures, and all you’ll be left with is memories and a whole lot of silence.
Most days I don’t feel like I am on the backside of forty, that I haven’t spent the past quarter century raising kids and, in more ways than one, raising myself. I don’t know why my mind always goes to reflection. I guess I just have to sit and ponder the past, revisit memories, and reassure myself that this isn’t a dream. The boys have grown and are on their own. My house is empty.
I’ve always been an unconventional thinker and an unconventional mom in many ways. I had to be to a certain extent because everything was all on me… I only had myself to rely on most of the time.
Motherhood shaped the awkward nerd who had the wide world at her fingertips but was desperate for love, which led to unintended consequences. The love of two little boys forced me to mature and grow up in ways I never would have if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with either of them.
Motherhood taught me patience: when to pick battles and how to love unconditionally.
Motherhood taught me how fierce and resilient I am.
Motherhood humbled me. It turned every preconceived notion of how I thought it would go completely on its head. It’s very easy to sit in the stands and judge others for how they parent… until you are in those very shoes facing things you never thought you would have to face.
Motherhood taught me grace and forgiveness. I didn’t get it right every time, and neither did my kiddos. I learned that’s normal, and it’s absolutely okay. I just loved them a little harder and tried again the next day. I learned to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know at the time.
Motherhood is reflecting on your own mother. How she raised you shapes how you raise your own – whether you follow in her footsteps or try not to make the same mistakes she did, you get a deeper understanding of her motivations and fears.
Motherhood is a lesson in letting go. From the first day of kindergarten to the last day of high school, from the first sleepover to the day they leave for college, or the Military, or just to move into their first apartment. You have to get okay with letting them go, in letting them make their own decisions and taking a back seat in their life.
Motherhood is a distraction from working on yourself – yes, that’s what I said. It’s spending a million hours shaping little people to be emotionally intelligent, courteous, and just overall good humans. In the midst of it all, you can easily lose your self-awareness in the routine, and you can absolutely lose sight of your own self in making sure they are thriving.
Motherhood is like holding up a mirror: Your kiddos are going to do things and say things that mimic you and it’s up to you to find the lesson in that.
Motherhood has absolutely been the best part of my life. I have learned more about myself in raising my boys than I have at any other point in my life. It’s been a bittersweet journey to watch them walk into their new lives, knowing that my support, my love and my guidance all contributed to the capable, loving, amazing men they have become.
I am so proud of how they have persevered and overcome everything that has come their way. I can’t wait to watch them live out their dreams in the years ahead. I cherish the friendship I have with each of them and I absolutely love that they found their way back to a friendship with each other. To me, that’s the icing on the cake for all of the years of heartache, sleepless nights and worry.
I absolutely love this little life we’ve built ❤️
Shhh… Don’t tell the kiddos that sometimes I miss all the noise and chaos…
Evelina Wood 